Nobody ever thinks it will be them

I never thought I'd be the one to get so down as to be called "depressed". That word used to be one that I understood conceptually, but the concept was so foreign to me that I couldn't comprehend it. How could somebody possibly get so sad that they ceased to function normally?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a stone-walled stoic. I get sad just like anybody else, and sometimes that makes my day pretty shitty and I do nothing but wait for the next day to make it all better. I've never experienced anything like the past few days though.

I won't say why I was (am?) depressed, because that's beyond the scope of one blog post. Let's just say that as proud as I am, sometimes being gay fucking sucks dick (puns!).

Regardless, the last few days have had me waking up feeling hopeless, going through the day in a haze, and going to sleep so terribly depressed with myself that it's no wonder I wake up feeling like nothing matters anymore. I woke up Saturday morning thoroughly believing that the sky was falling and that everything I had been doing up until that point in my life no longer mattered. In my post-sleep stupor (coupled with the heaping help of depression) I convinced myself that friends I held dear hated me and cared nothing for my feelings, I felt worthless and beyond hope.

I never thought it would be me though. It hit me so hard and so quickly that I didn't know how to react. There was no warning; no slowly easing into the feeling. It wasn't the slow descent into sadness that I thought it would be, I just woke up feeling hopeless and lost. 

After lying in my bed feeling like that for a couple hours I decided that I didn't want to be the type of person who lets depression rule their life. I'm not going to pretend like that decision made it all better, like I'm not still feeling depressed and slightly numb; but remembering that the earth keeps turning while I'm lying in my bed crying helped me realize that no matter how hard I cry, it will continue to turn. Life goes on.

I don't really know what to expect from the next few weeks/months; maybe I'll get better and maybe I'll get worse. I'm going to seek counseling some time this week and I'm hoping that'll help. Regardless I have some fantastic friends and I'm not non-functional, so maybe being out and about will help me feel better. Hope so.

Current feel-better song: The Middle (actually helped a lot)